Being Seen

This is one of my favorite pictures of me. Yes, this one showing all my lumps and bumps and curves. All the things at times I have disliked and unwanted.

Traveling to Sedona was scary for me.

I’ve always been larger in size and finding a balance between acceptance of my body and making change with it has been an ongoing journey.

Sedona had several challenges. 

First, the airplane. When you are larger, there’s fear about flying not based on crashing or the dangers of air travel but on the size of the seats, comfort and what looks you might get when you board.

Next, the heat and elevation. I’m a sea-level gal and I learned in Sedona how my breathing is impacted by the change in elevation.

But the biggest challenge was yet to come.

You see I’d been working hard at accepting my body for it’s curves and really learning to enjoy the way I can move when I dance. At that time it wasn’t uncommon for people to ask if I had a dancing background when they saw me move; despite my shape and size.

But here I was in Sedona facing one of my biggest fears: a photographer.

An amazing one at that and I found a lot of internal messages about my unworthiness of being seen.

I really started to doubt my own value. My own right to take up space. The knowingness I had of my body and the capability it held. My very own sense of what was possible quickly became dark and doubtful.

And I did it anyway.

I love this picture of me.

This was one of the times when doing something despite how I was feeling in the moment opened me to more freedom and self-acceptance but forging your way through challenges doesn’t always end that way. Sometimes the end result is cementing the very thing you feared.

To make it a experience like this different, it requires a shift in mindset around doubt and it’s purpose. Understanding doubt from a different perspective can help you to discern when going forth can lead you to your greater gifts and when it’s notifying you to change course.

Curious to explore more about doubt? Let me know.